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Dharma and the Family
by Venerable Thubten Chodron©
Mid-America Buddhist Association (MABA), Augusta, Missouri
June 7-9, 2002
1. Love and Attachment
1a. Love and attachment
Their differences and similarities.
In our society, we sometimes call attachment "love."
Love actually goes equally to everybody, but attachment is focused
on one person. In our family relationships, there is a lot of
both.
The extended family
With the breakup of the
extended family, we tend to put everything onto one person. This
kind of unrealistic expectation creates tension ~ The extended
family is good for children, because it's important for them to
have many adults in their lives: aunts, uncles, close family friends.
These relationships should be nurtured by the parents.
[12 min] : Download
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1b. Problems with attachment; Impermanence
as an antidote to attachment
What happens with attachment is
that we get dependent on the other person. When that happens,
it's good to remember the teachings on impermanence, which help
us see that the dependence just brings us sorrow and suffering.
Thinking about impermanence allows space for things to change,
and we are able to accept the fact that relationships do not stay
the same throughout our lives. [7
min] : Download
| Listen
1c. Childhood and adolescence -- the
parent as role model. [12 min]
: Download
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1d. Question & Answer - Part 1
Q: How can we make changes
in the patterns of behavior we've learned from our family? It's
good to notice and be aware. It's also important to look at the
positive influence of our parents, to notice and appreciate their
kindness in raising us, and not just focus on the negative.
[10 min] : Download
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1e. Q&A - Part 2
Q: In Buddhism, how can
we experience love for our friends? ~ Our relationships are always
a mixture of love and attachment. It's good practice to try and
expand our affection for those who are close to us, such as our
best friend or our children, to everybody. We should try and cultivate
that equanimity that's free of attachment.
[10 min] : Download
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2. Wanting to Fix Others
2a. How to effectively help others,
with awareness and bodhicitta.
It's easy to look at someone's life
and diagnose their problems, but we actually need to pay attention
to our own problems. [9 min]
: Download
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2b. "Stickiness" of blood
relationships
Q: Isn't it part of our practice
to stay in the stickiness of blood relationships and try and work
our way out of it? Blood relationships are only sticky because
our mind makes them sticky. It's the mind that makes the attachment.
This is where the meditations on love and compassion and joy and
equanimity can be very helpful. [8
min] : Download
| Listen
2c. Changes in family relationships
Family relationships will change:
between spouses, between parents & children. Kids grow up
and that has an effect on the parents. The relationship between
partners will change. Our parents can suffer from the effects
of aging, and there could be role reversal, with us taking care
of them. In situations like this, familiarity with impermanence
and change is important.
[23 min] : Download
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3. Redefining Boundaries
3a. Knowing our mind, our capabilities
& what's appropriate/inappropriate behaviour on the other
person's part
What boundary means: not something
cast in stone ~ What to do when a family member wants something
from us that we are not able to provide? We can talk to them about
it, but we should also check and see: is our self-centeredness
standing in the way of our helping?
[7 min] : Download
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3b. Boundaries and our feelings of
guilt and obligation [9 min]
: Download
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3c. Acknowledging our own faults.
Apologizing and accepting apologies. Healing relationships within
families. [11 min] : Download
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3d. Question & Answer session
[4 min] : Download
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Questions covered (beginning time
for each question is indicated after the question):
- What can I do when family members
want my time, but I just don't have the energy at the moment
to give it? I feel guilty about that. (0:00)
- I've read some Buddhist texts that
put doing things for your mother and father very high. Is that
just erasing all boundary issues for them? Is that just a free
pass? (2:21)
4. Communication/Conflict Styles
4a. Five conflict styles
Aggression, avoidance, accommodation,
compromise, collaboration. There are good and bad to all of these.
[11 min] : Download
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4b. Knowing the conflict styles of
family members
Not talking about conflict styles
can lead to a lot of pain and suffering. It's good to try and
observe our and our family members' habitual patterns of dealing
with conflict. We can be more effective, more helpful, more compassionate,
if we understand how differently people deal with these issues.
The same approach might not be best for everyone. [7
min] : Download
| Listen
4c. Q&A and Final Comments
[23 min] : Download
| Listen
Questions covered (beginning time
for each question is indicated after the question: the questions
themselves are not audible, and only Venerable's answer is recorded):
- Some people's behavior doesn't match
what's inside. Some volatile people are not really being critical,
while some people who act like they're avoiding the situation
can actually speak very critically. (0:00)
- There are some people who say things
will change, but then nothing happens. (4:35)
- Patterns of behaviour are harder
to break when you're older. This is hard to deal with, especially
with our parents. We might like them to be different. (6:17)
- What about someone's behaviour, such
as smoking, which will eventually hurt them, and affect me,
but they have no intention to change their habit? (7:08)
- A question about a woman whose husband
died of lung cancer 20 years ago, but she's still bitter about
his exposing her to second-hand smoke. (11:28)
- What about divorce and its effect
on kids? (16:38)
Final comments (18:54) :
We have to remember that this is samsara: there is no magic pill
that will make it nirvana. The problems are not external. We always
go back to the Four Noble Truths.
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