Transforming Problems

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About this section:
In the course of one day, we experience so many emotions. Some, such as genuine love and compassion, are valuable. Others, such as attachment, anger, closed-mindedness, pride and jealously, disturb our mental peace and lead us to act in ways that hurt ourselves and others. These pieces help us to examine our disturbing attitudes and negative emotions and to explore some antidotes to pacify and transform them.

Excerpts:

We accept the Dharma when it's convenient for us. When we hear suffering comes from negative karma, we accept that so the person who's harming us gets it in their next lifetime! Then we believe in karma. But when we have a problem - to think it's because of what we did in our previous lifetime? Never! Never! And, certainly not this lifetime.

I think a lot of our mental suffering comes because we don't accept there is a problem, and we think the universe is being unfair and should be different. Our non-acceptance of the problem gives us more trouble than the problem itself. We get all tangled up in our thoughts about how it's unfair, it shouldn't happen, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Our non-acceptance makes it worse.

We might be right. There might be a conflict, and we might be very right, and the other person might be wrong. But so what? Sometimes being right doesn't solve the conflict at all, does it? We can be very, very right and even the court system can agree that we're right and the other guy is wrong. But there's still conflict, and there's still unhappiness. Being right doesn't solve the conflict.

When there is a conflict, there is more than one side, more than one person. How can we say it is always the other person's fault? If I was not there, there would not be a conflict. So, how did I get here? What am I doing? What did I do that bugged the other person so that they're acting like this? Maybe I did nothing. Maybe it's all coming from their side - in which case, then, it's due to my previous life's karma.

Often, what the other person is doing when they are dumping on us - being critical, speaking harshly - is they're making a stronger statement about themselves than about us. They're actually saying, "I'm unhappy," or, "I'm confused," or, "I'm miserable." But, we don't hear that message.

So, when we have problems, there really is a lot of opportunity for growth. If we take that opportunity. If we avoid retreating into our old patterns, like getting angry, or feeling sorry for ourselves.

Thus, it is significant to stop and question ourselves, to see the potential in situations, and get away from locking ourselves into the belief that there is but one way to feel, one way to act. There is always a choice. The thing is, do we take this choice?

It's so strange. I find we often fail to do things that are our responsibility, thinking they are someone else's responsibility. And things that are not our responsibility, we accept responsibility for, and blame ourselves. It's very, very interesting. Very curious. And, I think, parents do this a lot.

Transforming Problems
by Venerable Thubten Chodron©

This is a lightly edited transcript of a talk given in Singapore, Sep 95.

Our usual attitude - rejecting problems

When talking about "Transforming Problems", I think you might prefer I talk more about rejecting problems, rather than transforming them. Our usual attitude is to reject problems, isn't it?

"I don't want problems! You can have them! It's not fair that I have problems. I shouldn't have problems. My life should be happy. The universe is unfair if I have problems. Something's wrong if I have problems. Everything should be perfect."

This is our usual attitude. Our usual attitude is one of rejecting problems, isn't it? "Problems should go away because the universe should treat me better."

Why? "Because I'm me! I'm important! I should be happy! The universe should treat me very well! Nobody should mistreat me. If I mistreat other people, it's because they deserved it. But nobody should mistreat me. Nobody should insult me. If I insult other people, it's because they were really creeps and made a mistake. Nobody should do that to me." My happiness is really important - much more important than anybody else's happiness. The universe should know that. Everybody should appreciate me - don't you think? Don't you think I'm the most important one in the universe?

Isn't this how we think? We're much too polite to admit it in public, but you know what I mean. This is really how we live our lives. So, our whole life we reject problems.

"It's Never My Fault."

Something is wrong. When we have a problem, it's never our fault, is it? Have you ever started a fight? I mean, when there's a fight, it's always the other person's fault. Very clearly.

When there's a quarrel, it's never my fault; it's always the other person's fault. It's all these other people who are uncooperative, and obnoxious, domineering, bossy, and critical. Not me. "I was going through life minding my own business, completely kind-hearted, loving, compassionate to everybody. Then, all these mean people do all these awful things to me. It's unfair. It's terrible." Right?

I have a friend who teaches conflict management; dispute resolution. He often gives people a worksheet, to record a recent conflict they had, and to assess how they handled the conflict, and how the other person handled the conflict.

He said, "It's remarkable! All the people who were cooperative, kind, and harmonious, they all come to the conflict resolution workshop. But all the people who were disagreeable and quarrelsome - they never come."

According to the form - it's amazing, he said, all the people who come to him were those trying to solve the problems; who never start them. It's just remarkable.

This is kind of how we live our life, isn't it? Problems are never my doing, they're somebody else's doing. And you know - "That's because other people are idiots. They just don't know how to treat me properly."

Then we come to a Buddhist thing, and we hear, "Well, when you have problems; when you have suffering, it's due to your karma." And we go - "My karma?! I'm not doing anything wrong. Look at that guy! He's creating negative karma being mean to me. I didn't do anything wrong. This is unfair. I'm going to complain to the Chief of Karma, because I didn't create any negative karma. I mean, I'm just nice to everybody all the time." Right?

Me? "I never tell anybody off. I'm never judgmental. I'm never critical. I'm never hostile. I never lie to anybody. I never cheat anybody." Why is the world doing this to me?

And in my past lives, I'm sure I never did any of that. Never! "My past life, I was a Rinpoche. I was high. They just don't recognize who I am this lifetime. But I was very special in my previous life. Maybe not a Rinpoche, but I was very high, you know? I never created any bad karma. What are you talking about, 'it's my bad karma' when I have problems. Baloney!"

This is what we think, isn't it? We accept the Dharma when it's convenient for us. When we hear suffering comes from negative karma, we accept that so the person who's harming us gets it in their next lifetime! Then we believe in karma. But when we have a problem - to think it's because of what we did in our previous lifetime? Never! Never! And, certainly not this lifetime.

"I am always right."

We're all right, aren't we? We're always right. When there's a conflict, we're always right. So there's no need to talk about 'Transforming Problems', because we're right. There's nothing to transform. "I'm right! You're wrong! You change!" Very easy. That's how we should solve problems.

We kind of go through our whole life with that attitude, don't we? When there's a problem: "I'm right, you're wrong. You should do something different. Me? I shouldn't. I'm just the innocent victim."

This attitude really compounds problems because every time we face some difficulty, first we reject the difficulty, and secondly, we blame it on the other person. Both of these typical behaviors and attitudes really increase problems. Because, when we reject a problem, then we're fighting the reality. The reality is - there's a problem. There's suffering. I have a problem. Something's not going right.

So, I think a lot of our mental suffering comes because we don't accept there is a problem, and we think the universe is being unfair and should be different. Our non-acceptance of the problem gives us more trouble than the problem itself. We get all tangled up in our thoughts about how it's unfair, it shouldn't happen, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Our non-acceptance makes it worse.

Blaming the problem on the other person increases the problem, too. Because, we can never control the other person, can we? The problem is the other person's fault - that means, I have no power. I have nothing to do, because I'm not involved in it at all. If the problem is entirely the other person's fault, then the only way to solve the problem is for the other person to change. But we can't make them change. And we try. We try very hard, don't we? It is very hard to make others change. We give them lots of advice. Especially our family members. So much advice - "You should do this, and you should do that; why don't you do this, and why don't you do that?" We give everybody advice, and they don't appreciate us. They tell us to mind our own business. We're just giving them advice about how they should improve and be happy… and they say, "Get off my case, I don't want to hear your advice!" And we reply, "Oh, but I was just trying to help you."

When we have this atttiude of always blaming others for our problems, we very much give up our power and ability to do anything. We can't control the other person. We can't make them change.

Being right does not necessarily solve a problem

And rubbing it in to the other person, that we are right, doesn't solve the conflict either. And it doesn't make the other person change. Frequently, when we're right, we really rub it into the other person, don't we? Then, they feel hurt. They feel misunderstood. They feel rejected. And they become even more entrenched in their position than before. They're certainly not going to go out of their way to help us when we're rubbing it in that we're right and they're wrong.