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Preparing for a Loved One's Death
by Venerable Thubten Chodron©
In the weeks or months before they die:
- Express your positive feelings for
them. Tell them you love them (write a letter if you can't speak
with them directly.). Don't wait until they are no longer there
to discover and express your love.
- Encourage them to share their love and kindness
with others. Help them remember all of the love and kindness that
they have given and received from others during their lifetime.
- Encourage them to remember the beneficial
things they did in their life.
- If they express regrets, listen with kindness.
- Clear up your relationship with them. If
you need to forgive them or apologize to them, do that. If they
apologize to you accept their amends.
- Encourage them to forgive whomever they need
to forgive and to apologize to whomever they need to apologize
to.
- Encourage family members to do kind things
to help the dying family member.
- Talk about end-of-life issues -- "living
will," medication, religious services, burial or cremation,
etc. -- if and when they are willing to do so. Let go of your
own agenda of what you want them to talk about or how you want
them to die. Listen to them with your heart. Talk about what they
want to talk about, not what you think they should think about.
- Let the person tell you how much (if any)
pain medication they need. Since the person is terminal, there's
no need to be concerned with addiction. On the other hand, avoid
sedating them more than is needed.
- Get in touch with your own issues about
death, and use your Dharma practice to help you work with them.
At the time of death:
- Make the room as quiet and peaceful as possible.
- Be peaceful and calm. Avoid crying in the
room.
- Mentally give them a heartfelt hug and let
them know of your love for them, but do not cling or encourage
them to cling.
- If it seems necessary, remind them that their
children and other family members will be all right after they
pass away.
- If person is of another faith, talk to them
in the language of that faith -- use words, symbols, and concepts
that are familiar to them. Encourage them to have faith and to
generate a kind heart towards others. If they are not religious,
talk about compassion or loving-kindness. That will help their
mind to be calm and peaceful.
- Recite mantra or say prayers for them, quietly
or out loud, depending on what is appropriate, as they are dying.
- Don't do anything to bring up distress (old
hurts, etc.).
- Frequently the person who is about to die
will wait to die until family members have left the room and they
are either alone or with someone who is not family. Don't feel
that you "did something wrong" or abandoned them if
they die while you are not there.
- Remember: you can't prevent anyone from
dying.
- Trust them in their process and be supportive.
- Tell surrounding family members that we
are fond of them (we love) them. Say thank you to them.
After death:
- If it is possible, allow the body to be
untouched for three days after breathing has stopped in order
to give time for the consciousness to leave the body. This usually
needs to be pre-arranged with the hospital or family. Do not touch
the body during this time. If the body starts to smell or if you
see fluid come from the nostrils, it indicates that the consciousness
has left and the body may be moved before the three days are up.
If it is not possible to leave the body untouched for that long
(it often isn't), then leave it untouched for as long as possible.
When you first touch it, touch it at the crown of the head.
- After the person has died, first touch their
crown (top of the head) and say, "Go to the pure land"
or "Take a precious human rebirth." Or, according to
their faith, say, "Go to heaven or to a safe place."
- Dedicate for them to have a precious human
rebirth: May they have each and every conducive circumstance to
practice everything they need for enlightenment. Pray that their
transition to the next life is free from fear or anxiety. Express
in words or in your thoughts all the good wishes you have for
them.
Meditation and Prayers to Do After a Dear One
Dies
After a dear one dies, it is very beneficial
for people who are close to him/her to do prayers and meditations
on that person's behalf. These are described below. It is also helpful
to offer his/her possessions to the poor and needy, and to make
offerings to temples, monasteries, or Dharma centers. You may also
request people there to do meditations and prayers for the person.
Do the Chenresig practice. Visualize
your dear one in front of you, with Chenresig on their head. As
you recite the mantra, visualize much light and nectar from Chenresig
flowing into them, completing purifying all obscurations, negativities,
distress, disturbing attitudes, negative emotions, fear, etc., and
bringing all enlightened qualities -- love, compassion, generosity,
wisdom, etc. If you prefer to do this meditating on the Buddha,
then refer to the "Meditation on the Buddha".
At the end, dedicate for the happiness
and enlightenment of all sentient beings and especially pray:
May ______ have a precious human life. May
he/she meet fully qualified Mahayana spiritual guides, have all
conducive circumstances for practice, generate the three principal
aspects of the path (the determination to be free, the altruistic
intention, and wisdom realizing emptiness), and quickly become a
Buddha. Through my Dharma practice, may I benefit this person, leading
him/her on the path to enlightenment. By my practice becoming stronger
and purer, may I be able to teach this person the Dharma in future
lives.
If you wish, you can also recite "The
Extraordinary Aspiration of Samantabhadra" for the person. The practice of
the Medicine Buddha can also be done.
Since family and friends have a strong
connection with the person, their doing meditation and dedications
for them is important. If you can do these on the 7th, 14th, 21st,
28th, 35th, 42nd, and 49th days after their death, it is especially
good.
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