Vajrasattva Retreat 2005:

On 5 January 2005, a three-month Vajrasattva Retreat was held at Sravasti Abbey. During the retreat, each morning the participants took turns leading their fellow retreatants in cultivating a good motivation for their meditation that day. You may want to read one of these motivations each morning to inspire your practice

Motivations by Aida Jimenez - Mar 27, 2005

Today is the day, which I will use my motivation to share with you my answers to the questions Venerable Chodron asked us to answer. I am going to start to try and express what has resulted in much difficulty for me during this time.

When venerable Chodron asked us the first day of retreat if we had any fears, I answered that I was scared my body wasn't going to be able to sustain so many hours of prostrations and meditations (eight hours a day divided into six sessions). Now I can appreciate how naive that answer was. I had no idea what was in store… for me, or my self-centered mind, or my ego, or to the merely labeled lacking inherent existence self. I don't know, the only thing I know is that in this retreat something inside me confronted something much more difficult than my meditation posture. The interesting thing is that some of these difficult things occur when I'm in the meditation hall during the practice itself, but I think that the majority occur outside in what we can consider our daily routine.

Paradoxically, the fact of having found myself united with all of you under the slogan "live together harmoniously" has forced me to confront and question many of my tendencies and destructive habits and try to generate a different attitude. I could see clearly how things arise, mix and superimpose in my mind, aspects like violence, anger, impatience and laziness. I also think I have understood what new problems can arise based on these horrid combinations: constant fear, insecurity, pessimism, grudges, anxiousness, not being interested in others needs, forgetfulness, not being careful, arrogance, stubbornness and even skepticism towards the Dharma. So I have had to do what I have been postponing for years, apply the appropriate antidotes to each problem. I'll make some examples:

• Instead of appreciating the Q&A sessions as something useful and meaningful for my fellow retreatants, I would see the sessions as intruding on my precious free time. As an antidote to this attitude, I would make offerings on the modest alter in my room every morning and evening requesting inspiration from my gurus, Buddhas and Bodhisattvas so that I can understand and care about the needs of others and so that I may, as soon as possible, see others needs as more important then my own. (I should confess that I hope to accompany each one of you in your silent offering at the breakfast table…but I'm still working on it).

• Instead of taking the "easy route" in keeping myself up by drinking at least five cups of black tea day, I take the "slow, but sure route" which consists in waking up earlier, cleanse the body and arriving at first session with a good disposition. It's like not using a blanket and being a little cold in some sessions during the day when sleepiness starts to appear.

• Instead of being anxious to go to sleep as early as possible so I can sleep at least seven hours, I realized that I don't feel any worse sleeping less than that, and thanks to that understanding I have time to write letters to my friends in prison, write my motivations, keep my seamstress shop open for business, and other things that we could consider virtuous.
  In the same way, during Vajrasattva meditation, instead of feeling despaired or frustrated because I can't concentrate well, I try to recognize that my multiple attachments are the cause of that distraction and thus initiate the mediations on the antidotes to attachment over and over again. (Barbara has no idea how she's helped me in giving me those meditations).

• I could keep filling up entire pages with examples, but I think that I have shared and illustrated well what has resulted most difficult for me in this retreat. I've tried to conquer it with joyous effort, applying the antidotes to my habitual disturbing attitudes. This has been, without a doubt, the first of my lessons from this retreat.
  

In the same way, I would consider the following lessons as well:

To conclude my extensive commentary this morning, I will only say that what I assign myself as daily homework is to not forget. To not forget anything of what I have told you, to be able to do the same at home. That each situation in daily life may be transformed in an opportunity to keep destroying our only two enemies, like Venerable Chodron just told us: the self-cherishing and self-grasping ignorance.