Vajrasattva Retreat 2005:

On 5 January 2005, a three-month Vajrasattva Retreat was held at Sravasti Abbey. During the retreat, each morning the participants took turns leading their fellow retreatants in cultivating a good motivation for their meditation that day. You may want to read one of these motivations each morning to inspire your practice

Motivations by Kathleen - Mar 21, 2005

Today's "sermon" is, Taming The Lion of Pride

Every time, VTC talks about "pauvre de mi", poor me, I cringe. For 2 reasons:

1. In my lively family with four kids, I was the youngest girl and had a very sensitive personality. "Poor me" is a phrase like those used to tease and humiliate me when I was feeling genuinely sad. I know this is not how VTC is using the phrase, but it's so close to my childhood experience, that a part of me really doesn't like it.
   
2. But there's another reason I cringe, the reason I really want to talk about today; one of my main belief patterns is not, "poor me"--it's "poor you…because you are not as smart as or as well-liked as I am". This is a bit difficult to confess to…but in general, I have a pretty constant message in my head that says I am better than most people.

The Lion of Pride-"Dwelling in the mountains of wrong views of selfhood, Puffed up with holding itself superior, it claws other beings with contempt: The Lion of Pride-Please protect us from this danger. (A request to Tara from the First Dalai Lama, Gyalwa Gendun Drubpa. With Vajrasattva's help, I have been investigating my pride and want to share what I have found so far:

In my working class family, as I said, I was the youngest and a girl; at the bottom of the pile. As a result, by and large, I was not treated well. There was quite a bit of physical, mental and emotional abuse that came my way…but I reacted by "overcoming" it…or so I thought. I always did very well in school and got better grades than my older siblings-so I knew I was smarter than them. And, with scholarships, I went on to college and then to law school, which is a big training ground for arrogance. You don't earn a doctorate in law without getting your doctorate in superiority along with it. All this time, I was a friendly person and likable and my "superior" attitude was hidden; not only from others, but from myself.

When I met the dharma, about 10 years ago, I ran into the Eight Verses of Thought Transformation, and this particular verse:

"Whenever I am with others, I will practice seeing myself as the lowest among all and from the very depths of my heart, I will hold others as supreme". I remember going to VTC and telling her I simply could not do this at all. She just looked at me very patiently and said, "Well, do you think you could at least learn something from other people-just consider that they might know something you don't know"? Believe it or not, after 15 years of law practice, teaching part time at the law school and other universities and being an Executive Director of a County Agency I was not sure. Wow, that level of pride makes me cringe now. So, I began there…with just the thought that whoever was with me might be able to teach me something. It may sound simple, but it hasn't been simple for me. It's been a struggle and very frustrating and humbling at times.
Once, I was at a retreat with Ken McLeod and he said, "Whenever you feel like you are better than others, it's a form of self-hatred". I was shocked. What was he talking about? I love myself! I feel better than others! I love myself more!" Then I sat with his "koan" and came to this question: Why would I need to tell myself that I am better than others? And I saw that it is only because I really worry that I am not. This psychological pattern of feeling superior is a defense mechanism. I don't want to be on the bottom of the pile ever again.

In this investigation of arrogance, I see clearly how this superior pattern separates me from others. I feel "in front" of them, not "with" them. It causes a feeling of constant competition and pressure in me to stay "superior". And it feeds fear and jealousy in others. And, of course, as Lama Yeshe would say, "My dear, you are completely hallucinating!"

So, whether our problem is "poor me", (I'm not as cool as you) or "poor you" (you're not as cool as me), my hope and sincere prayer is that we get free of these ego traps; to be with each person we meet with genuine love and equanimity; feeling safe and relaxed. It helps when I say to myself that others are "just like me"- all wanting their suffering to end; all wanting happiness. I intend to be open to learning from every being I meet, like Lama Yeshe was. In the meantime, I notice it is good for me when I make obvious mistakes that humiliate my crazy ego, menopause and aging (which cause forgetfulness) help me to do that. Lately, I have been making more mistakes in public and just having fun with whatever comes up-embarrassment, pride, blame. Vajrasattva…help us destroy all these insane ego games. With that request, let's go for refuge.