Vajrasattva Retreat 2005:

On 5 January 2005, a three-month Vajrasattva Retreat was held at Sravasti Abbey. During the retreat, each morning the participants took turns leading their fellow retreatants in cultivating a good motivation for their meditation that day. You may want to read one of these motivations each morning to inspire your practice

Motivations by Kathleen - Mar 28, 2005

The Title of today's motivation is: Pensamientos-Thoughts

Dearest Dharma Friends:

Like Aida, I am using some of my thoughts in answer to Venerable's final questions for the motivation today. I wish you could know how precious you are to me in my heart; you are better than diamonds, gold, love, fame-the best. I share these thoughts with infinite love and respect for each of you and for your strong Buddha natures.

First, I want to honor our days of silence and simple living. It is only with them that I can see more clearly that every single thing constantly arises, abides and disappears. Where do they go?

Next, it seems to me that with this purification every single part of the Lam Rim teachings have become clearer in my mind. And they have gone deeper into my heart. Here are some of my thoughts-I hope they provide a good motivation for you:

1. Death and freedom: During this retreat I met two people who have died with full awareness; two who have used death as an opportunity to learn, to return to samsara, to help all of us. After meeting Lama Zopa and Yangsi Rinpoche, and reading Vicki MacKenzie's book, "Reincarnation: The Boy Lama", it became more clear to me that, like Lama Yeshe, these are reincarnated beings, who chose where they currently are and what they are doing. Imagine that--using death; instead of it using you up. Imagine the freedom; having no fear of death-since you could go through it consciously each time and always return to help others. This is liberation beyond any of my dreams-and I want it-for myself and for others-even though, with my current state of mind I am sure it will take lifetimes to develop this. I want to go as far and quickly as I can towards this goal in this current precious, precious human lifetime. Who knows when I will ever get another chance like this?

2. Attachment: I learned that I make up stories, inaccurate exaggerations about the people, places and things I am attached to. One example is my attachment to food. When I think about food with attachment, I only think about the first few mouth watering bites of my favorite things-like potato chips. I ignore that along with the yummy flavor and crunch comes killing beings to create the food, lots of time spent growing, transporting, cooking and cleaning up after it---plus the farting, belly aches, pooping and constant disappointment because it's never enough--never just right and it never leaves me content-especially when I eat too much. The same with my attachment to the best times that Stuart and I spend together tramping around remote parts of the mountains or oceanside in Oregon. I only think about the high points of the last hike above the Imnaha River. I block out the long drive to get there, the heat, bugs, thirst, and the argument about which way the trail went and how far to go. Amazing. I do this with every single thing I am attached to. My mind is simply not realistic. Now, I am constantly asking myself, what is true about my objects of attachment? What is true love for those I label as special? Isn't it their enlightenment? How do I work towards that, rather than spend more samsaric work, family and leisure time with them? What is a more realistic view of this precious, precious life? Why do I want "special" people in my life? Why do I need to be "special"? What problems come with being special or making them special? Is my son Sam really more special than Miles? Venerable has told me to meditate on the truth that every single person has been my only beloved son in the past, as close as Sam is to me in this life.

3. Purification: I learned that my mind is a lot stranger and more full of fear and lies than I knew-and that I have been acting on that junk-for lifetimes. These purification practices (Vajrasattva and 35 Buddhas) are the first methods I have heard of in 57 years that just might work to get rid of this. So, I commit to continue them. I need to.

4. Teacher: I learned that my teacher is more amazing than I already thought and that she needs a lot more help with realizing her vision than we are giving at this time. This is the first Abbey of its' kind in America-a vision supported by the Dalai Lama. Pure Dharma in the US requires monastics from the US. I can come here and help her; she who helps so many more beings in more effective ways than I do with my friends and family. Why is my guru devotion so limited that when she needs so much help now with this amazing effort, I choose to go home for now and take care of a small group of good people there and work part time to do so? What is missing in my mind and heart? How can I change this?

5. Determination to be free: I want to be free. I want everyone to be free. So, I am asking my self over and over in Vajrasattva's pure light the best way to achieve this. At this point, like all of you, I am afraid that when I go home, I will get sucked back into all the busy-ness and attachments and go back on automatic. Or that I will go into a lot of aversion, hate it there, be unhappy, and act badly, adding to everyone's suffering. I am seeking balance on this. One thing I see is that my determination to be free has to become strong enough to overcome my fear of losing my attachments. I have been working to purify any and all obstructions to my next best step for all living beings. My dearest wish is that whatever I do, I use the rest of this life in the Dharma; that I do everything in a way that brings all people closer to the Dharma. I need to keep going towards truth and full liberation, whether anyone else comes along or not. These teachings are the truest thing I have ever found and the only way out of this world disturbed by constant sorrow.

6. As Lama Zopa has written: "We rise, we dwell, we pass away-only as aggregates of suffering. That is why samsara is called a prison. And no matter what one does, even engaging in virtue, one can only reap limited effects within samsaric existence; never any true happiness-nowhere to be found. The only way out is to put the right key into the lock-the wisdom realizing the true nature of reality-which has the power to eliminate ignorance, the root cause of cyclic existence". Lama, Venerable, Geshe, Khensur Rinpoche and others have thrown us the keys to open the prison of our minds. We need to use them and share them with others.
   

Please make strong and sincere prayers for my aspirations and for all of our aspirations--for the next steps that we will take-to whole heartedly live the Dharma and bring it to others, without distinction-to unlock the chains that bind us; to win the prize-the end of all suffering--full liberation.